Fear.

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DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A PLANNED POST. JUST  SOME RANDOM RAMBLING OF A TIRED SOUL FROM A DISINTERESTED LEISURE.

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5 a.m, Sunday April.

I finally woke up with a start. I couldn’t bear it any more. My throat was wooden dry and I was too petrified to even blink. My wet pillow bore the tangible testimony to a dreadful dream that shook the hell out of my existence. Don’t know if it’s the sweat or tears for I was busy grappling for the veracity of what I just saw from the reality of waking up to nothingness. I had to go back to sleep, I had to finish it and forget the dream.

7 a.m, Sunday 14th April.
I woke up again feeling possessed by the same evil. A nightmare, again?
little did I know things aren’t just stopping here. I woke up intermittently from a series of nightmares, or may be just the same old one giving me the hardest time this day.

When it was all complete and I woke up conscious at 12:34 in the afternoon, I only had a blurred recollection of  those incoherent,scary images as residue from the ravages of a long grueling battle.

Everybody kept consoling me, telling me to forget about it and chill, it being just a bad dream-” happens to all”. They lacked in reason,as in:
1. They didn’t know  the exact nature of the dream.
2. They didn’t know that I’ve been experiencing this since childhood, only now it has been a bit frequent.
3.They wanted to get done as quickly as it needs to possibly fleet over.

WHY MULL OVER SOME STUPIDLY SURREAL DREAM OF ALL THINGS?
Agreed.

There’s this guy I know from school whose parents are part time shrinks. They used to volunteer free in schools conducting free counseling sessions for damaged or disinterested teens. When Ayan learned about my uncanny trysts with soul-sickening dreams, he made his mother-Malini aunty, to call me up. Apparently, Ayan couldn’t interpret the pattern to anything solid, despite his Freud-education, so he had to give in to his ever enthusiastic parents.
What came next?
Well, Malini aunty told me to face those demons that are bugging me, by writing down randomly my deepest fears. Even if there aren’t much hope of a reprieve,It’s time I face them.
So here goes the account of my biggest fears as a mortal.

  1. I fear and obsess about the safety of my beloved, like constantly. Age, gender, relation notwithstanding. I even forbade my cousin sister once( 9 yrs elder) to not use public transports when she’s travelling alone. I freak out when Nandini (the #AngelMosquito from a previous blogpost and 6 yrs elder to me) spares naively her attention to an over friendly,shady-looking stranger. The same goes with my elder brother, more so for him because he’s not as mature as I’m!
    I fret so much, that I even yell at them at times for not listening to me. For taking safety for granted. I’m aware that sometimes the outbursts of my fear might reach past the throat, but I refuse to be silent on this particular issue. I AM SORRY to hurt my dear ones,but I cant help it. If I happen to love you by any chance, you are totally gone.
  2. Fear of the unknown is quite a cliche. Fear of ignorance to knowledge, too  makes a direct descendant to the former. But how about the more indirect: FEAR OF MEDIOCRITY? Does it not bother you, the apellation of ‘being an average Joe’? Not poor,nor good but plain average. You might infer that this particular fear stems from ego and insecurities. But what changes when I say, I’m just afraid to perform below my normal original?  That creeps the brain out of me.
  3. I have to enlist more earthly things to make it more believable to Malini Aunty,else she’ll make me re-write and go through this mental ordeal again. These are suggested by your reflex actions, adrenaline rushes, gaping dry-mouths etc. I’m afraid of pets,any,even birds. Cats,Dogs,rats,snakes , except only for cows.
    I’m afraid of sad stories…………. POTHHER PANCHALI.
    I’m afraid of the sights and sounds of a ghost movie.
    I fear the black, thick and long tentacles from my bed’s underneath, that immobilize me often at the dark of nights, in my dreams.
    I’m constantly afraid of catching Jaundice and Diarrhea after every serving of pickles off the street, Biryani etc.
    Of growing up enough to seldom go for Oly pub Adda session with best friends. Of turning a stranger to my love, my KOLKATA.
  4. you know where!
  5. What if ,when in an intellectually permitted/understood silence, still in the comforts of having you beside me in my promenades- I reached for your hand, or I turned cosy to your side of the arm………..
    and you looked away? DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE ME???
    Worse, I fear you slipping into the crowd, leaving me at the backseat of the Taxi …alone.

 Kolkata nights

That’s all the scoop for now. Hope it helps( Me,who else?) Email me about one of your biggest fears/peeves sometime 🙂

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