Not Here to Win Hearts.

 

Wearied by the vagaries of it all,

In constant wait of the impending doom

Lurking behind each culmination,

Like sadness on reaching the last page of a novel.

It waxes and wanes,

Never too sure to name it Love,

Never too strong to name it Hate.

With a tamed down curiosity

I proceed wearing my own flag of Humanity

Along with a sharpened brand of cynicism.

So, if you find me losing to make you win,

Don’t spare a moment in blithe consolation,

Know that I’m not here to win hearts…

 

That Portrait of solitude and of an insidious tumult

It can’t take Just You to decide,
When it’s time to bid goodbye.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n_CU3yt31o

Not booze, no sutta nor a high adrenaline experience but a fever dominated dawn has prompted me to chuck the block at once and start writing like anything. Good, bad, ugly, insipid… anything. Honestly, like always, I would not even attempt at making sense and making it easier for you to comprehend or judge eventually. Incoherence works well for the imaginative. Read on if you must.

Ever stopped by a portrait, stuck by the apparent simplicity of its presence standing out against similar motifs? It is not exactly a jaw dropping moment but a moment when every fibre of your being identifies with such a creation, existence.  It can be music, a theme, a song -Your Song! A dress which might have been over-worn but can never cease to manifest your signature.  A feeling in which the sensory unifies so completely with the object that you start believing it is yours, it is you. For the more romantic it can extend to a relationship as well! I don’t mean that you can literally share your existence with this animate being or the inanimate, or you can strive to claim them to be yours right away. No no, it doesn’t work like that 🙂
There’s a friend of mine Abhishek 26,who tells me that he’s so taken by this Raaga rendition by Pt Bhimsen Joshi. It gives him goosebumps every time he listens to it. Not just that, he plays it in loop atleast at some part of his day and never ever had he listened this feat in front of his girlfriend or anyone who won’t be able to feel the same passion for it.
” It is just my personal corner, it is me. I’m myself when I’m with it playing aloud. Another presence be it a person, or noise will only defile the peace and magic of that moment. It’s Nirvana, just….”

Everybody has that corner which reassures one by quashing the doubts of a lonely existence. There’s but another piece that fits the thought puzzle. Not many people talk about it explicitly. I will tell you later why.
I have known one too, fortunately and unfortunately!
That portrait of solitude and of an insidious tumult. It mirrors life and its mundane machinery on one hand, solitude and contentment between the determined brows on the other. That person in the portrait is mostly glum with endless sadness, fettered to a position clothed by a tinge of  passionate fire. The latter makes the face glow with a certain hauteur. Eyes boring straight into your eyes, and into your character. It is hard to not think about it for long, keeps coming back in a repetitive cycle to your consciousness to reinstate that spiritual connection. But then you cant desire for its proprietorship.  I don’t think anybody can actually.  Although, You’re only human to long for possession and that it might burn a bit to see it being taken away from you, appreciated by somebody else.

🙂 Yes, this is the reason why most people remain tacit about these little luxuries.  Abhishek says ” I try not to listen to the same  favorite raga of mine, when I perchance get to hear it playing aloud by someone else, specially if it comes from the stereo of a person I dislike. They just ruin the feeling if not taint the connection. ” Hahha.
My friend Priyanka says she cannot lend her denim jacket to anyone because she simply doesn’t want anyone else to look good it in it or feel/enjoy the texture of those neatly woven warps and wefts.  It’s almost 4 years now since she bought that one!
Sharad jokes ” we are one helluva possessive lot. It feels abnormal not to be so particular about the things I love/ care for!”.  One psycho circle of friends I have here. Nanz has trouble sharing her close relationships with anyone she thinks a stranger and she can go all the way to the point of explaining that to the stranger!! Well, if you ask me, I find it rather adorable. Thank god I wasn’t on the receiving end though.

Coming back. Yes, sometimes despite the sublime closeness with that portrait, I feel seething anger for all those obvious reasons I don’t wanna delve into. I resent it the moment I miss it. That portrait stands for everything I believe in and so, supposedly, it is just not me that misses it. The roads, the festival, the weekend hubbub, this Mahalaya morning and all other people belonging to my simple world misses it.  A destructive frown could sometimes rule our day hating  that very image, a mad rage and there it goes for life! 🙂 I don’t care if you term it to be jealousy or possessiveness- I already blame it on my SUNSIGN!” Lol 😀
Not kidding but if you can get people talking about their affections you can see a similar crazy pattern there.  I’m fortunate I have friends who are unabashedly vocal about life and other bitter truths accompanying.  So that’s there to it, you can mail us if you feel the same!

It can’t take Just You to decide,
When it’s time to bid goodbye.
And if I concede I Love You
would you not consider staying behind?